Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Little Baby Barack Obama

So, this is the first actual blog I'm posting that tells the story of a dream I've had. The dream took place around a year ago; I can't remember exactly when. But, I can remember the dream pretty vividly. And if you couldn't tell by the title, it has to do with Barack Obama. And it gets much, MUCH worse than that.

I'll just jump right in to it. In the dream, I was sitting in my house with some guests. Although the house looked nothing like the house that I actually live in, I somehow knew that it was mine. My guests included a fairly attractive, middle-aged-looking woman and Barack Obama. The interesting thing about Barack was that he had a baby's body. He still had a large adult head, but it was on top of a tiny baby's body. He was also able to talk and move around like a regular adult. On top of that, he was wearing nothing but a diaper and a pair of socks. Me and attractive middle-aged-looking woman were seemingly not too interested in the fact that, number one, we were sitting with Barack Obama, and, number two, he had a tiny baby's body. We were simply just sitting at my bar, drinking and carrying on.

It then went downhill from there. Way the fuck downhill. So far fucking down.

The next thing I remember is seeing the middle-aged-looking woman standing up wearing nothing but her underwear. And she was pissed off at little Obama for some reason or another. There are two interesting things about this woman that I then noticed. A) The panties she was wearing were red, see-through, and wet. But a weird looking sort of wet; almost greasy. This would have been hot if it weren't for: B) The fact that the woman had a little penis.

She started chasing little Barack around my house. I was scared and trying to stop it. After a while, little Barack grew tired and stopped to catch his breath in front of a wooden wall. On the other side of that wall was a bedroom. The woman with the little greasy penis did not care to stop chasing little Barack around and tackled him. She tackled him so hard that both of their bodies broke through the wooden wall into the bedroom behind it. The woman with the little penis then proceeded to take off her wet underwear and force her tiny penis into little baby Barack Obama's ass.

As you would imagine, I did not like this. But, unfortunately, it gets worse.... Well, for me, anyway.

I was pissed. So I yelled at the woman and told her to get out of my house. She then said to me, "Why?! What did I do?" I mean, it was pretty obvious what she did. She chased a small, baby version of the President of the United States around my house, broke a wooden wall, and then butt-raped him. But, for some reason, I didn't mention any of that. The only thing I said to her was, "Because you have a little penis!"

Her response was simply, "You have a little penis!"

I'm not exactly sure what this means and this is all I remember from the dream. And fuck me sideways if I'm making it up; I swear to Atheist god that it's true. If anyone could maybe interpret this, that'd be awesome. Frightening, but maybe awesome, too. Also, I believe my penis to be of average size.

I swear.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

So, guys,

I've decided to take a different approach with this blog. Instead of writing reviews on things (which admittedly gets to be very hard) I'm going to write about my dreams. It's been recently brought to my attention that I have some pretty weird dreams sometimes. I mean, really, REALLY bizarre.
Now, I'm not going to write about every dream. Because not ALL of my dreams are crazy. But, often enough, I have a really bizarre one.
I haven't had any interesting dreams lately, but I have some in mind that happened in the past that were SO strange that I still remember them perfectly to this day. So, hopefully some time soon when I find the time, I'm going to be posting the first one, which is the weirdest dream I have in recent memory.
You can expect funny, strange, scary and even sad dreams. Who knows.

Stay tuned!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Sunday, March 6, 2011

This dog right here.

Today, I will review my pet dog. 

My pet dog is not like your average pet dog. In fact, he is unlike any other dog I have ever met before in my life. He is kind, quiet, relaxed, and loves to play dog games. He is very handsome (see picture above). He has a gorgeous, flowing mane, akin to a big, beautiful, majestic lion's. 

He loves to play outside, especially when it's raining. He then loves to come inside after playing in the rain to track mud all over the house. He then loves to get savagely beaten by my father for getting mud all over the carpet. Seriously, he likes it a lot. Don't worry. 

My pet dog responds to the name, "Dog". He chose the name for himself. He's a really smart pet dog. 

Dog is 49 years old. In dog years. That equates to about 50 human years. Right? Yeah.

My pet dog is also not real. 


Saturday, March 5, 2011

This update right here.

I have returned. After about a week of school-work that nearly forced me to eat my own balls, I am back. Hopefully I will be able to have a review of something up before the weekend's over. As of right now, I have no idea what to write about.

If anyone has any suggestions as to what I should write a "review" about, let me know in a comment. If it's an awesome idea, I'll probably end up doing it. And give you little-to-no credit for the inspiration. Just kidding.

No, I'm not.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

This gator right here

The above photo is the head of a crocodilian. Crocodilian is Puerto Rican for "el lagarto" (for those of you who don't speak Puerto Rican). The story of how I obtained this head is very interesting. But, before I tell you that story, I have to tell you another story. To provide a segue to the actual story of how I actually obtained the head. Literally.

It all started in May of 1971. The year of the Crocodilian. During Vietnam. I was stationed at Point Yankee, which was right off the coast of 'Nam. Things were seemingly running smooth, seeing as just a year ago, American casualties were less than half of 1969's totals.

Despite the substantial number of people that didn't die that year, I was still feeling down and out. Some of my best friends I made during that war were sent home just a month before. I remember it like it was only forty years ago. My closest Pal, Shticket, came to me on April 15th and told me that the 2nd Brigade, 25th Infantry would be returning home, along with the 1st Marine Division.

I was devastated, to say the least.

Shticket was my best friend. He showed me the ropes. Shticket taught me the most valuable lesson I ever learned in 'Nam: don't shit standing up. His real name was Harry. He gave himself the nickname Shticket because he said his penis looked "just like a shticket." I had no idea what a Shticket was and unfortunately, I'd never find out. After returning home to the States, Shticket passed away. He tragically fell out of the window of his one-story home in Hoboken. Then, 17 years later, he died of lung cancer.

I attended his funeral, along with a few other vets. I offered to read the eulogy. I told stories about Shticket and 'Nam that I'm sure no one among the audience has heard before. Like the time he saved a 13 year old Vietnamese girl from a burning hut. And the time he molested that same Vietnamese girl fifteen minutes after saving her for "good measure". I also spoke of Shticket's love for the beach. Oh, how he loved to play in the sand on the beaches of 'Nam.

My eulogy had apparently touched one of Shticket's cousin's so goodly, that he came up and spoke to me at the funeral after-party. He also spoke of Shtick's fondness of beaches. Apparently, Shtick loved beaches so much that he had a beach house in Myrtle Beach, in addition to his house in Hoboken. Shticket's cousin said that it was his "summer home."

I was then invited to help Shticket's family clean out his house in Myrtle Beach. I humbly accepted the offer. While there, I found this old Polaroid of Me, Shticket, and two of our negro "friends" from the war:
(From left to right: Really African American, 
Shticket, African American, and I)

Among other relics, I also found the necklace Shticket was wearing in that photo, his helmet, boots, backpack, canteen and his brown leather shoulder holster for the .45 Colt pistols we were issued. Cleaning out Shticket's house was a very bittersweet day in my life. I'll never forget the life of Shticket, and the lives of the other good men we lost in 'Nam. Never Forget.

Oh, and I purchased my alligator head at an alligator exhibit in Myrtle Beach about nine years ago while vacationing with my family.


Friday, February 25, 2011

This grapes right here.

Today, I will review these grapes. I realize that what you are looking at is a poorly-lit Polaroid of two tiny grapes and a few stems because I ate the rest of them, but to me it symbolizes how awesome these grapes actually were. And are. 

For those of you who don't know what grapes are, they are a non-climacteric fruit that grows on the wood-like vines of the genus Vitis. Apart from being able to eat them raw, you can do lots of fun things with them. With the grapes themselves, you can literally make jam, juice, jelly, wine, gelatin, preserve, and jelly. That's like, 14 things. Swag.

The grapes are light weight and feel great in the hand. They serve as a good midnight snack because they're green. One can seemingly eat an absurd amount of grapes without any sort of harmful side effect.


'This thing on?

Salutations. Welcome.

In this blog, I will be reviewing items that I have in my bedroom. Hopefully, I will be able to post a review every week or every other week. Sometimes more often, but hopefully never any less.

These reviews will be posted in an effort to help the readers of this blog to easily make decisions when buying or using whatever it is I will be reviewing. I will be reviewing all sorts of different items, ranging from articles of clothing, to electronics, to consumables, and so on.

Each post will contain a picture of the item followed by the review. If there is a brand name visible in the picture, it will be blocked out in order to appease the manufactures of the items.

I am not being compensated for the reviews in any way from the manufacturers of any of the items.

My first review should be posted within a week of the date of this post. I look forward to reviewing items and reading feedback from the countless number of readers I am sure to have. Thankya for your time.